It's my birth month! I turned twenty eight a couple of weeks ago.
If you read my march blog entries last year you'll know that I'm always stupidly anxious about my birthdays. I always anticipate that nobody will have fun if I plan anything, and I'm always extremely broke the next month because I insist on paying for everything (filipino style), both because I genuinely want to treat my loved ones and if anyone doesn't enjoy themselves, at least they didn't have to pay for it.
I actually didn't want to do anything because of all of my negative feelings towards edging ever so close to the three zero, but somehow I ended up having around 2 weeks of celebrating with groups of friends and family. Though I was nervous and felt overwhelmed at first, everything went well. My boyfriend planned a surprise lunch/party with my closest friends (which wasn't so much a surprise since he ended up telling me to ease my anxieties...I'm such a nightmare), my colleagues got me cake and treated me to dinner & drinks, and I got to catch up with a ton of friends who I hadn't seen in a long time. All in all, I'm so moved that people genuinely want to celebrate my life with me. My neurotic-self is always questioning whether or not the people I love the most in this world actually reciprocate my feelings or if they're just putting up with me. I know there's so much about me to dislike, so much that I could do better, and I'm trying every day to evolve into someone I can smile at when I look in the mirror. I haven't been successful yet, but I'm so grateful for everyone who has stuck around. I felt very loved and wish to give that back to them tenfold.
The only thing that's a bummer is the inevitable down-period I feel right after any outing or social interaction in general. I'm sure a lot of people can relate, but I hate that I can never experience fun without analysing my behaviour once it ends and I'm alone. Was I too loud? Did I interrupt them? Was I embarrassing to be around? Did I say something strange that offended them? Since I went out after work for almost 2 weeks straight, I was plunged into anxious and pathetic thoughts every single one of those nights. In the moment, these feelings come and go since I try my very best just to be present and to not overthink. Enjoying myself is effortless when it comes to the people I'm closest with, but with others, I find myself being overly self-conscious every time I do something. Either way, close friends or not, I will always spend time in bed reviewing the evening and mentally hitting myself for being an embarrassment. I wish I could stop.
March is coming to a close and it feels like it has lasted forever. I'm typing this at work guilt-free because I felt humiliated after speaking with my boss a few hours ago. I know I'm always saying that I need to find a new job, but genuinely I think that talk was just what I needed to give me that push. Every employee knows that they're not appreciated at work, and no matter how many times the company is praised for being "like a family", we all know it's a lie and that we're disposable. I've given my all to this company even with my pitiful salary. I've put up with doing two jobs for the price of one because my colleague comes in 3 hours late every day. I've never once pushed for a pay-rise even though I was entitled to it. The only thing I've brought up were the discrepancies between my payslips and the actual amount that goes into my account every month. Every time I've asked (and I've lost count) I was told it would be dealt with and yet nothing was ever done. Today I was yelled at because if I "had a problem" I should've gone to them and not to my colleague who told them I've been underpaid for 2 years. One, I did not ask her to raise this with them, she did that of her own volition because she kindly wanted to help both myself and the company. Two, I did go to them. Many times. And nothing changed. I guess it was my fault for putting up with it for so long, but I think I'm finally ready to say goodbye.
Though I'm ending the month on a sad note, I'm so grateful for everyone who is still with me. Let's hope 2023 is the year I finally get a new job (and become a better person).
I hope you're all having a good start to the year.